Grief at the Table: Navigating Loss During the Holidays

Tyler Young, LCSW

The holidays have a way of magnifying everything— the lights, the noise, the pressure to feel grateful, the empty seat that still doesn't feel real. Grief doesn't care that it's December. It doesn't care about your matching pajamas, your curated holiday playlist, or the perfect IG post. It just shows up uninvited and unannounced with a santa hat made of lead.

When Grief Pulls Up a Chair

Holidays are emotional amplifiers, a reminder that they're not here with us to celebrate. The good moments can feel extra sweet. and the hard ones can hit like a freight train. You might laugh one minute and cry the next, which doesn't make you unstable— it makes you human. Grief is the love that has nowhere to go, and the holidays are a big reminder of where it used to land.

Some people find comfort in traditions; others can't bear to look at them. There's no right way to do grief. If baking your person's favorite cookies brings peace, do it. If ordering takeout feels better, do that instead. The goal isn't to recreate the past— it's to survive the present with a little bit of grace.

The Grief Rules (There Are None)

You don't owe anyone a cheerful holiday. You don't need to explain why you left early, skipped the gathering, or cried in the parking lot. You can love your family and friends and still need space. You can post nothing online, or post everything. You can be fine one hour and a mess the next. There is no scorecard, no linear path, no "shoulds" that apply to this kind of pain.

Your Holiday Survival Guide

There's no manual for grieving during the holidays— but here's some suggestions on how to get through the season without losing yourself in it.

1. Lower the Bar—like, wayyyy lower

   You are not auditioning for "The most Festive Human of the Year". It's okay and completely reasonable if this season looks quieter, smaller, or completely different. Give yourself permission to scale down traditions, skip events, or change plans at the last minute. Survival counts as success.

2. Create a Gentle Ritual

   Find one simple way to honor the person you're missing. Light a candle. Play their favorite song. Cook their recipe. Hang they Christmas sweater in the room you'll spend most time in. It doesn't have to be grand— just something that keeps the connection alive in a way that feels comforting, not punishing.

3. Choose Company Carefully

   Spend time with people who make space for your grief, not people who tell you the bullshit standard "cheer up" response. You're allowed to limit your social bandwidth. You can leave early, arrive late, or bow out entirely— no justification is needed.

4. Build Exit Strategies

   Before events, plan small escape routes— a car ride, a walk, a quiet room. Sometimes having an exit plan is all it takes to feel safe enough to stay. Bring grounding tools that work for you: music, fidget items, comforting scent, or just deep breaths.

5. Expect the Waves

   Even if you think you're "okay", grief has a way of showing up out of thin air— at the grocery store, during a commercial, mid-dinner. That doesn't mean you're back at square one. It means you love deeply. Let the wave move through you instead of fighting it or hiding from it.

6. Protect Your Energy

   This includes limiting doom-scrolling, skipping events that feel performative, and getting enough rest. Emotional exhaustion is still exhaustion. Rest isn't a luxury; it's grief maintenance.

7. Ask for What You Need

   If you want someone to say their name, say that. If you want to skip small talk and just sit quietly, say that too. People often don't know what to do— gentle direction can help them show up in the way you need.

8. Find Small Pockets of Comfort

   Not "joy"— just comfort. The smell of pine, a favorite blanket, a funny movie, hot tea, or a slow morning. Micro-moments of ease are how your nervous system resets.

You don't need to be grateful for your grief or turn it into a life lesson this season. Just stay present enough to get through the moments that matter, and kind enough to yourself in the ones that don't.